


The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Double Life of Mr. Edgeworth

by joshuaorrizonte



Category: Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Misunderstanding, Phoenix Wright Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-22
Updated: 2011-11-22
Packaged: 2017-10-26 10:09:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/281813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshuaorrizonte/pseuds/joshuaorrizonte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, things get a little hot, heavy and rough between Phoenix and Miles in the Los Angeles DA's office. Gumshoe, who's been working hard on a case, overhears their throes of passion- and mistakes it for something much, much more sinister...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Double Life of Mr. Edgeworth

"NGH!"

Miles was beyond glad that Phoenix was a bit of a submissive sexual partner. Sex in the office was quite an arousing aspect, but only in his fantasies. Being caught would mean a scandal for them both; they kept it to their respective homes.

No matter how much he turned Phoenix on by simply breathing.

However, apparently the dark-haired man hadn't been as groggy last night as he assumed during the ridiculous "pillow talk" session Phoenix insisted they have every night they spent together, and actually had heard him say that he secretly fantasized about fucking Phoenix six ways to Thursday while bent over his desk. This resulted in an after-hours assault on Phoenix's part.

Which, ultimately, was how Phoenix's tie ended up in his mouth. Phoenix was _terribly_ loud when he was enjoying himself, and even though no sane person would be in the office at this time of night, Miles had to think of some way of silencing the other man. The instant he was gagged, his hands held out of the way, Phoenix had responded. A disappointed noise came from the other man when Miles stopped holding his hands behind his back- out of curiosity, Miles grabbed his wrists again, and Phoenix's frantic moans and the way he drove back against Miles resumed. "You like that, huh?" Miles said, quietly, amazed.

Phoenix responded by squeezing his eyes shut, moving in such a way to encourage Miles to thrust harder. Yes, the other man definitely liked that. Miles' fingers tightened around Phoenix's wrists, the other man's moans getting louder despite the impromptu gag, and Miles wondered, briefly, if he could get away with borrowing a pair of handcuffs over the weekend.

As Phoenix cried out again against his own tie, Miles suppressed a groan of his own, thinking that if he had many other thoughts like that, _he'd_ need a gag as well.

~*~

The report was late. Mr. Edgeworth was going to cut his salary again. Well, maybe not, he had it now- Mr. Edgeworth was still there, the light in his office was on. He raised a hand to knock and-

-and stopped, as a muffled scream came from the office. It took a second, but he could tell that the voice was _not_ his boss's voice. This was confirmed by a low moan from said boss, and then, a harsh, "Get up, Wright."

"E-Edgeworth-"

"Shut up and stay still." A moment later, he heard Wright's voice, almost sobbing, "Pleas-aaah!"

" _Shut up_ or I'll gag you again!" And, if Gumshoe strained, he could hear a rhythmic thumping noise, too.

The detective ignored what he knew he should do in a situation like this and walked away, the file in his numb hands. It could wait. For now, he needed to figure out what he was going to do about what he'd just heard. He couldn't believe it, but that conversation was all he needed: Mr. Edgeworth was in there, _raping_ Mr. Wright. _Oh man... oh man oh man..._

 _~*~_

Phoenix was, frankly speaking, on cloud nine. Even Maya had noticed his good mood that morning, and asked what happy bug bit him that morning. His response had been to just smirk at her; she rolled her eyes and huffed, "When will I learn not to ask..."

"About never, by my estimation."

"Yeah, I know. I have a pervert for a boss and I haven't quit yet."

"Maya, most of our friends are perverts," Phoenix countered teasingly. "Besides, there's actually very little wrong with-"

"I don't want to know!"

"-a man in his mid-twenties having a vibrant sex life." He laughed as she squealed out an "EWW!" and smirked. "Honestly, I'd be worried if I didn't."

"I wouldn't be!" Maya huffed at him. "I think I'd be relieved!"

Phoenix chuckled at her again as she fled out to the reception area, grabbing a file from his desk and skimming it to refresh his memory. Oh yes, _this_ case. The attorney tossed the folder back on the desk with a sigh, moving around to sit at it and turning on his computer. It had been so long since he used it, he hoped it would still work. "Maya," he said, raising his voice slightly so he could be heard, watching the screen idly, "did I tease my way out of you going up to Dunkin' Donuts and grabbing us breakfast?"

"Not if you're paying," she called from her own desk.

With a sigh, he grabbed his wallet from his back pocket and retrieved a twenty. "Come and get it!" he replied as sweetly as he could manage.

His assistant came bouncing back into the office, far too happy to take money from him. "I'll be right back!" Maya chirped happily, and off she went. Phoenix watched her go, smiling and rubbing his wrists absently. The ugly bruises around them were his own fault. After their extracurricular activities at the prosecutor's office the previous day, they decided that Phoenix's interesting reaction to being gagged and restrained needed to be explored a bit more; Phoenix was the one who had leaned back on his cuffed hands until the metal was uncomfortably tight, biting into his skin. And he'd utterly loved it, although Miles wasn't too sure that he was comfortable doing things that would actually damage him.

It was something to discuss at a later date. For now... time to roll up his sleeves- literally, he needed to get the air conditioning fixed before it got any hotter- and get to work.

There was a timid knock on the office door only seconds after he'd checked his e-mail. "We're open!" he hollered, knowing his voice was loud enough to carry. Sure enough, only a second later, an intimidated face appeared in his doorway. "Detective Gumshoe," Phoenix said in surprise, standing and walking around the desk to offer a handshake. The way the officer's gaze slid to his damaged wrists as he took the proffered hand made him feel a bit self-conscious, but injuries of that kind were a bit unusual. It was likely no more than curiosity. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, pal... I, uhm..." Phoenix wondered if Miles had cut his pay again, or if something else had happened, when the scruffy detective burst, "Please, pal! Please don't press charges against him!"

Phoenix raised an eyebrow at this. "Uh... what?"

"Don't press charges against Mr. Edgeworth, pal! I'm begging you! Do you know what kind of disaster it would be for his career to have a rape charge brought against him?! Please!"

"Wh-WHAAAAAT?!"

You can't press charges!" Gumshoe continued, looking like he was about to burst into tears. "I know rape is terribly underreported and you should but please don't, pal! I'll- I'll give him a talking-to, tell him that what he did was bad and next time he needs to go down for it! I'll tell him to stay away from you! I'll even escort you to and from your office! Just don't press charges, pal! Please!"

Phoenix's mind was reeling, trying to figure out why in blazes Gumshoe was under the impression that Miles had raped him, ever. "Detective," Phoenix said slowly, not sure if he wanted to go there, "I'm well aware that filing false charges is a crime. Why would I want to?"

"F-false charges, pal?" Phoenix nodded slowly, and Gumshoe's face twisted in an odd way that might have been sympathy, but the defense attorney couldn't be sure. "Pal... listen, it wasn't your fault and there's no shame in admitting that it happened. There are groups to get past it, too- and I know that I don't want you to press charges, but denying it isn't healthy. You should face it, pal!"

"I would face it if it happened," Phoenix insisted.

"Then you should!"

"But it didn't!"

They stared at each other, in a tense deadlock. Phoenix wondered in irritation why Maya wasn't back yet and weighed the possibility of her either having absconded with his cash or his donuts and coffee. Probably the donuts and coffee, if she did. "Mr. Wright, Pal..." Gumshoe said finally. "You don't have to deny it. I know what happened in Mr. Edgeworth's office."

Abruptly, the color in Phoenix's cheeks flared to a healthy red. "You... were still there? At the prosecutor's office?" The detective nodded dumbly, watching Phoenix's reactions. Phoenix looked away, taking a deep breath. And then he added, "Man, this is embarrassing..."

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about, pal. It's Mr. Edgeworth who should be-"

"No, Gumshoe. No. I don't know how much of... of _that_ you heard, but it was entirely consensual."

"Huh?"

"He didn't rape me, Gumshoe, really. I instigated it, actually."

Another silent, awkward deadlock. Phoenix was really getting hungry. "You realize what you just said is basically, 'I asked for it', don't you?"

"Uh-huh. Because I did ask for it."

More silence. Phoenix considered showing Gumshoe out. After all, he wanted to make sure that Phoenix wouldn't press charges against Miles for raping him. Since Miles never raped him, he wouldn't press charges, and Gumshoe's problem was resolved. "But why would you ask someone to rape you?"

Patience. Patience like he had when dealing with Pearls. Like when Cody Hackins was on the stand. Patience. "I didn't ask him to rape me. Gumshoe, listen to me, please. Edgeworth did nothing that I didn't ask for-"

"AHA! There's that phrase again, pal!" Phoenix's hand connected firmly with his face. He was getting a headache. He was getting a headache, he was hungry, he wanted his morning caffeine fix, and he actually wanted to get to work for once. And he wanted the well-meaning but pants-on-head stupid detective to go away and stop moaning at him about Miles raping people. "Hey pal... uhm... you say he didn't rape you."

"No. He didn't rape me."

"And you're sticking to that story."

A long-suffered sigh. "Yes, Detective. I'm sticking to that story."

"Then why would he- why would he put handcuffs on you?"

Phoenix pulled his hand away from his face. "Wha-"

"Those marks on your wrists," Gumshoe indicated. "I've seen 'em plenty of times. Had to get in a few officers' faces for bein' a little too rough with suspects before. Those are from handcuffs that are too tight, pal."

Chagrined and edging away from embarrassed to humiliated, Phoenix yanked his sleeves down. "They are not from handcuffs!" he snapped.

"What are they from then?"

"... okay, they're from handcuffs. But Edgeworth only put them on me because-"

"So he _did_ rape you!"

"ARGH!"

The front office door opened and closed and a cheerful voice rang through the office. "Niiiick! I'm back with our breakfast!"

“Ohthankgod!" Phoenix exclaimed. "I'm sorry, detective," he said, his voice cracking in relief and irritation, "but this conversation is not appropriate for Maya to hear. If this is your only business with me, can we please consider the issue closed?"

"Absolutely not!" Gumshoe exclaimed. "Pal, you're- you've been- right, I'm a bad friend by asking you not to-"

"All right! All right! We'll talk later! Just please, stop this while she's within earshot!" Knowing he was going to regret this bit of manipulation, Phoenix thought about the goldfish he had when he was five that died a horribly tragic death when he decided the thing was cold in that water and took it to bed with him, trying to make his pleading expression more believable. "Do it for me, Detective!"

"O-okay... I guess... it's the least I can do..."

Phoenix exhaled sharply in relief. "Thank you, detective," he said sincerely, heading for the reception area. "If you'll excuse me, I have a case I have to work on."

"Right," Gumshoe said sullenly, following Phoenix. He sighed heavily as Maya, jelly donut half-hanging out of her mouth, waved cheerfully. "Hi, pal," Gumshoe grumped, and left the office.

Maya looked from the door to Phoenix's bright red face and back again. "Uh-oh," Maya said, swallowing a bite of her donut. "Someone looks embarrassed."

"And we're not talking about it," Phoenix replied crisply. "What kind of donuts did you get?"

"Jelly, jelly, jelly, Boston crème, and- oh, jelly."

"Thanks," the lawyer said sarcastically, grabbing the lonesome Boston crème donut and retreating back to his personal office. Maya frowned. "Hey... Nick... are you okay?"

"Fine."

"You were all kinds of happy when I left."

"..."

"Why was Gumshoe here?"

"..."

"Are you going to talk to me at all, Nick?"

"If you mind your own business, sure."

Maya frowned hard. She'd have to get in touch with Gumshoe to find out what he did to Nick to piss him off so badly...

~*~

Fortunately, Nick's mood had lifted a bit by lunch. "Hey Maya," he said as he came back out into the reception area. "Are you done with that filing yet?"

"Not quite," Maya replied, scooting her wheeled chair across the floor. Phoenix cringed, and considered asking her to stop. The last thing he wanted right now was for the girl to get injured.

He didn't though. "Well, take a break. Let's go get some lunch, I'm hungry."

"Wo-o-o-ow!" Maya nearly dropped her file, staring at him wide-eyed. "Did you just _offer_ to take me to lunch in the same sentence you admit that you're hungry?"

"Maya, honestly. I do eat."

"I've wondered sometimes," Maya replied, resuming her filing. "You are awfully thin for a guy your build..."

"Let's not talk about things we know nothing about, hm?"

"You are!"

"Want me to take my shirt off to prove you wrong?"

"Hmm..." She tapped the folder against her lips thoughtfully, and at Phoenix's exasperated gasp, she laughed. "Got you!"

He crossed his arms over his chest. "So are we going to go get burgers or not?"

"Oh, you're killing me here. Nick, I really really want to get this finished- would you get it to go? Pleeeease?"

Phoenix chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine. I better see some progress by the time I get back, though. And stay off my computer!"

"I shall do nothing but file the whole time you are gone, I promise."

"I'm holding you to that." And with that affectionate threat, Phoenix left to walk the half-mile to the burger joint they frequented. When he arrived, much to his surprise, Miles was already in line. "Hey Edgeworth," Phoenix said, coming to stand beside the prosecutor. "I didn't know you liked burgers."

"I don't," came the tart reply. "However, since someone at the office ate the meal I brought with me today, this is the easiest solution."

"Huh. Yeah, that sucks. Hey, I'm already paying for Maya- lunch is on me?"

Miles glanced at him, a tiny, affectionate smile on his lips. "That's not necessary, Wright," he replied. "Heaven knows you'll be lucky if you get any."

"That's why I plan on eating mine here," Phoenix said with a wry grin. He turned, glancing out the side window, in time to see the familiar form of a large, scruffy detective heading for the entrance of the restaurant. "Oh balls," Phoenix muttered.

"Wright?"

"Gotta go to the bathroom!" he exclaimed, ducking around the corner and hoping Gumshoe didn't spot him.

He peeked around the corner as the door opened, and Gumshoe looked around, scratching the back of his head. His gaze fell on Miles, and a grimace crossed his features. "S-sir," he said. "Wright's assistant said he came here. You see him?"

Miles raised an eyebrow. "Yes. We were just talking, in fact, before he... had to use the facilities. Rather abruptly."

Gumshoe's expression took on a hard, determined look. "Well, that's okay, Sir. I have to talk to you, too."

"Oh? What about?"

"It's about Wright, Sir."

"Oh _balls!_ " And Phoenix darted back out into the open diving right at Edgeworth and slinging an arm around his shoulders. He ignored both men's protests, laughing in a high, strained voice. "Detective Gumshoe!" he said, knowing his tone was odd. "Small world, huh?! You like burgers?! I thought you were more of a noodles person myself!"

Gumshoe seemed suitably startled. _Good,_ Phoenix thought to himself. Maybe his buddy-like stance with Miles would let the detective know that he was in no way injured by the other man. He hadn’t thought that Gumshoe would have the guts to confront Miles about what he heard in public.

He staggered slightly as Miles shrugged him off, demanding to know what had gotten into him. “Actually, I came to talk to you,” Gumshoe said blankly. “Maya said you’d be here.”

 _Oh god, how much did he tell her?_ “Well, I’m here!” Phoenix said, trying to sound cheerful. Like nothing was wrong. Nothing at all. “Why don’t you go find a table and wait for me to order, and we can talk then? If you have the time.”

Phoenix’s heart sank as Gumshoe nodded. “What about you, sir? What are you doing?”

“As much as I’d love to join you two for lunch, I must return to the office as soon as possible,” Miles answered, still looking from one man to the other in bemusement. “If one of you cares to tell me what Detective Gumshoe was going to when Wright suddenly decided that he did not need to use the facilities-“

“Ah! No, no, that’s fine!” Phoenix said quickly.

“You know what it is about?” Miles asked with a quirked eyebrow.

“Yes. Yes, I do,” Phoenix said quickly, in order to keep Gumshoe from answering. He needed to talk to Miles about this before Gumshoe got to him about it. “Come to the office as soon as you can after work and I’ll tell you-“

“Hey pal, is that a good idea?” Gumshoe interjected, alarmed.

“It’s fine, Gumshoe! Really, it is!” When the detective regarded him dubiously, Phoenix gasped in frustration. “I’ll explain why when we talk! And if you don’t get us a good table, they’ll all be gone by the time I order-“

“Yeah, pal, I’ll go get a table,” Gumshoe said dejectedly and wandered away. Despite his annoyance with the man, Phoenix appreciated his concern and it was easy to see how upset the detective was. He made a mental note to order something for Gumshoe as he exhaled, trying to calm down himself.

“Wright… What… is this about?”

Phoenix shook his head. “Not here,” he said quietly, and then repeated, “Come to my office as soon as possible tonight. I’ll explain then. And if he gets to you before I do, he came to that conclusion entirely on his own. I had nothing to do with it.”

“Alright… if you insist…”

“I insist. Oh, I insist. Trust me, we don’t want to discuss this in public.” Phoenix exhaled sharply, shaking his head in annoyed disbelief. “Oh man, what a mess…”

Miles stayed in the restaurant until Phoenix had ordered his meal, as well as a couple of burgers for the annoying detective. He confirmed once more that Phoenix didn’t need assistance with Gumshoe, and departed with a promise that he’d be by the office immediately after work.

With that, Phoenix watched his lover leave the restaurant, and then turned to the table Gumshoe was sitting at. Steeling his nerves, he approached, plastering a patient, void smile on his face.

He set the tray down on the table as he sat across from Gumshoe, grabbing one of the burgers. “The one on the far end is for you,” Phoenix said, unwrapping his burger.

“Aw! Gee, thanks, pal!”

“It’s the least I can do for someone who’s trying to be such a good friend,” Phoenix replied, fighting the urge to gag. Maybe if he flattered the detective enough…

But Phoenix’s compliment only upset the scruffy detective. “Well… I haven’t been, really… I mean, if you’re so scared of Mr. Edgeworth that you don’t even want me to say something to him, pal-“

 _D’oh!_ “A-afraid of him? What makes you think that?”

“Well, you just kinda interrupted when I tried to tell him that what he’d done was wrong, pal. Almost like you were worried that he’d take it out on you again.”

Phoenix set his burger down delicately. “Detective Gumshoe,” he said after a moment. “I interrupted you because you are wrong and the line to order fast food is not the place to discuss such matters. Did you see how I was hugging him? He’s-“

“Hey pal, I get called out to a lot of domestic violence situations. The woman always defends her deadbeat husband. Always. Even when she’s got a broken nose from him-“

“Did you just call me a woman?”

Gumshoe stuttered for a second, and then said, “No, pal! I know you’re- I just meant-“

Phoenix raised a hand to cut him off, putting a hand to his head. The headache was already coming back. “I know what you meant. That isn’t the case here. I’m not defending him. He doesn’t _need_ to be defended because he didn’t do anything wrong. If he dared to lay a hand on me when I didn’t want it, I’d leave him in a heartbeat-“

“Whoa, you’re in a relationship with him?!” Gumshoe’s jaw dropped and Phoenix resisted the urge to smack himself in the face again. “That makes it even worse, pal! I had no idea that- that-“

“Gumshoe-“

“You’re in an abusive relationship, pal!” Gumshoe seemed to be completely beside himself and fidgeted with his burger. “Maybe you _should_ press charges…”

“No. No, I shouldn’t. Because he didn’t do anything to deserve having charges pressed against him. Gumshoe, listen to me, please, I’m begging you. Miles didn’t rape me. He didn’t assault me, he didn’t coerce me, he didn’t blackmail me, he didn’t do anything except going along with my stupid ideas of fun.”

“You think being raped is _fun_?”

Phoenix picked up his sandwich and took a bite. “Not even dignifying that with an answer,” he said around his mouthful. He swallowed the bite, and then added, “You know what? It doesn’t matter. This will be dealt with tonight when I talk to him myself.”

“Yeah, pal, about that… I’m… really worried, you know. You’re putting yourself right in harm’s way-“

“No I’m not.”

They stared at each other in the same awkward silence that they were inflicted with that morning. “He’s not going to hurt me.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because he’s never hurt me and he never would.”

“Now you’re just plain out in denial.”

“No, denial is a river in Egypt, this is LA.”

“Wh-huh?”

“Never mind.” Phoenix sighed; the irony was lost on the detective. Hell, the joke was probably lost on the detective, and that joke was pretty hard to not get. “Look, I’ll be fine, okay? So until then, could you just… not bother anyone with this? Please?”

Gumshoe regarded him dubiously. “Okay, pal. I already told Maya to keep an eye on you for me when you’re at the office, so-“

“What, exactly, did you tell her?”

“I told her that you’d been the victim of a crime and she needed to be there for you, that’s all.” And Phoenix groaned as psyche-locks slammed down around Gumshoe. _Oh greeeat… I better head to the office and do some damage control_ …

Phoenix managed to make idle small-talk through the rest of his rushed meal, idle small-talk through waiting in line again to get Maya her burgers, and somehow managed to convince Gumshoe that he didn’t need a ride back to the office. When he walked in, Maya was in the process of dialing the phone. “Nick,” she said, setting the receiver down and standing. “Hey… what took so long?”

The attorney fought back a grimace at Maya’s body language and tone of voice. She was desperately worried about him now. “What did he tell you?” he asked bluntly.

Maya drew back slightly, not expecting what she probably interpreted as hostility. “Th-that something horrendous happened to you last night,” she replied quietly, “and not to let you be alone with Mr. Edgeworth.”

Phoenix put the fast-food bag down on the desk, his expression grim. “Right. You might want to eat before I explain Gumshoe’s dumbassery.”

The spirit medium reached into the bag and drew out a hamburger. “But what did he mean?” she asked him. “Don’t worry, I’m hungry. Nothing can stop me from eating when I’m hungry.”

Phoenix sat down on the couch, stretching out and staring at the ceiling. “Okay, you asked for it… remember our conversation this morning? What I was so happy about?”

Maya munched on a burger, wincing. “Yeah.”

“And my implied answer.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“You understand what I was implying, right?”

Maya balled up the wrapper to her sandwich and launched it at the spiky-haired man. “Of course I understand what you were implying. You got laid.”

The attorney couldn’t help but laugh at how blunt she was. “Yes. That’s exactly it. Except… uh… part of that took place at Miles’ office.”

“Uh… you… you two… did that-“

“Oh his desk, yes.”

“Ugh! I should’ve listened to you about eating first. But I don’t get it-“

Phoenix made a conscious effort to avoid eye contact. “Well, Gumshoe overheard us.”

“Oh, how embarrassing.”

He nodded absently, still taking a terrible interest in Maya’s desk instead of looking at her. “The problem is that he… thinks he overheard an assault.”

Maya’s eyed widened and she stopped chewing, staring at him. He was such he was blushing pretty hard, and Maya swallowed her bite, hard. “So, wait. That horrendous thing… he thinks that Mr. Edgeworth- that he-“

“Raped me, yes.”

Silence. Uncomfortable, awkward silence, and then that silence was broken by Maya’s abrupt, loud, obnoxious laughter, and Phoenix frowned at her. “What’s so funny?” he demanded.

“I’m sorry, I just-“ Maya sniggered, hiding her face with her hand. “Are you serious? He really thinks that your boyfriend raped you?”

“Yes. He really thinks my boyfriend raped me and I can’t convince him otherwise.” Phoenix sighed, putting his face in his hands. “Miles is coming over later tonight so we can figure out how to-“

“Leave it to me.”

“Uh, what?”

Maya grinned at him. “Leave it to me,” she repeated. “I speak stupid.”

 _Oh god… why do I feel like this situation is about to get a thousand times worse?…_

Phoenix and Maya just sat there, staring at each other, until Maya snorted. "Trust me, Nick. I'll get this sorted out with Gumshoe. I know how he works."

"And how do you know how he works?" Phoenix challenged, calling her on her mild arrogance.

"Because I do," came the smug response. "You see, it takes a special kind of idiot to get through to Gumshoe. I figure I fit the bill nicely, considering that my boss is a pervert and I haven't quit yet."

Phoenix rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Don't do anything until we've both talked to Miles."

"Nick, are you that cruel? You know he won't take it nearly as well as I did."

"Yeah, but he's the one who has been accused of criminal activity," Phoenix replied dryly. "Eat your lunch and get back to work, I'm not paying you to discuss my sex life."

"You're barely paying me at all."

"Will you knock it off and do something productive?"

Maya cackled and turned her attention back to the pile of folders she had accumulated on her desk. He'd instructed her to file and little else, so he was curious as to what she was doing with those files. Regardless, as long as he could find what he needed without her assistance, it was okay, and he left her to her work to focus on his own.

The defense was open and shut. His client didn't do a damn thing wrong and he could prove it with an almost obscene ease. He didn't even have to interview his client more than their initial meeting; a few final touches and he'd have an acquittal within fifteen minutes. It was beautiful, in a sad way. Although, with the way Gumshoe assumed that a felony assault had taken place in his boss's office and he was doing nothing to bring the supposed criminal to justice, Phoenix wasn't surprised anymore. That was the icing on the cake. Rape was a particularly heinous crime that destroyed lives and Gumshoe was more interested in protecting his boss. Nice.

Not that he had anything to protect his boss from, which was comforting. Plus, when Damon Gant revealed himself to be the evil son-of-a-bitch he was, Gumshoe had assisted Phoenix... Eh. Whatever. As long as he got his acquittal tomorrow morning.

Phoenix was just about done with his preparations when the door to the front office opened. "Oh! Mr. Edgeworth! Hiya, we've been expecting you!"

"Ms. Fey," Miles responded stiffly as Phoenix rose from his desk and hurried out to the reception area. "Alright, Wright. What's going on? Detective Gumshoe won't even look me in the eye anymore."

The spiky-haired attorney grimaced. "Remember when things got a little rough in your office last night?"

At this, Miles' eyes widened. "Wright, your assistant is _right there_ ," he snapped.

"I know," Phoenix responded calmly. "She knows about this. I had to tell her."

"Why?"

"Because Detective Gumshoe is an idiot!" Maya chirped helpfully.

Phoenix glared and Maya shut up, still smirking. "That about sums it up, though," he admitted. "Gumshoe, er... heard us."

Miles' wide-eyed expression became even more expressive, reflecting morbid embarrassment. "I tried to tell you that was a bad idea!"

"I know, I know! That's not even the problem!"

"I do not want to know," Miles said, turning on his heel. "I'll see you in court tomorrow, for all of what, three minutes?"

Phoenix lunged forward to grab Miles' wrist. "Wait! First of all, I'm not that good and you know it." If they'd been alone, that remark would have scored a lewd response; as it was Miles just made a face at him. "And you need to know. Really."

Miles sighed, turning back to his lover. "Fine. What in the world could possibly be worse than Gumshoe hearing us engaged in sexual intercourse in my office?"

Blue eyes met steel ones, and Phoenix replied with a straight face, "He thinks it wasn't consensual."

"He thinks- wait, what?"

"He doesn't believe I consented to it and nothing I can say will change his mind."

There was silence in the room. Awkward silence. _I'm about to get used to awkward silences_ , Phoenix thought to himself. And then Miles shook Phoenix's grip off and muttered, "We're taking care of this right now." With that, he reached into his coat pocket and withdrew his cellphone. A moment later, it was to his ear, and he was speaking: "Detective Gumshoe. I need you to meet me at Wright's office. Immediately."

The wait was only a few minutes before a timid knock sounded through the office reception area. Phoenix answered it, and Gumshoe awkwardly stepped in, looking like a distraught puppy. “You wanted to meet me here, sir?”

“Yes,” Miles said, trying very hard to maintain a professional veneer. “Wright has just informed me that you… witnessed, after a fashion, something that you were not meant to and you have some concerns about it. If I can ease your mind, other than reassuring you that it will not happen again-“ and here he shot an accusatory glare at Phoenix, like Miles had nothing at all to do with screwing on the desk- “I would like to.”

Gumshoe looked around the room at the faces peering back at him; Phoenix’s mortified, Edgeworth’s bland, and Maya’s curiously amused, and gulped. “Well, you see, sir… I’m not sure you could say anything to ‘ease my mind’ about this.” A pause for a response; there was none. “I mean, Wright is my friend. And you’re my boss and I have the utmost respect and trust in you. But- but- Sir! What you did was wrong and illegal and I-“

“Detective,” Miles said sharply, a little sharper than he intended. “What occurred in that office was inappropriate at best. I fail to see how it was illegal.”

Gumshoe’s jaw dropped; Maya stifled a laugh and Phoenix elbowed her in the side, hard. “Niiiick!” she whispered, and he whispered back, “Behave or leave.” The detective frowned at this exchange, wondering why Maya hadn’t been kicked out in the first place, and then said, blankly, “You’re a prosecutor. You know that- that- that _that_ is illegal no matter who does it.”

“And what is ‘that’, exactly?” Miles knew, of course, but he needed to hear it from Gumshoe himself. As much as he trusted Phoenix, what he’d been told was hearsay.

The other man’s face brightened, and he stuttered through the word. “R-r-r-rape, sir.”

“You believe that I victimized Wright.”

“Y-yes, sir.”

“Despite Wright having informed you that he was a completely willing party.”

At this, Gumshoe rubbed the back of his neck and looked down. “Well, sir, it’s not uncommon for male victims of such crimes to deny and-“

“It’s not uncommon for willing parties to deny it, either,” Miles said flatly.

Uncomfortable silence descended. Phoenix was tempted to start humming or whistling just to break it, but he got the feeling he’d end up humming a tune entirely inappropriate. Such as Like a Virgin. Or Sex-Type Thing. He doubted Gumshoe would know a song like that second one, but if he did- and had any inkling what it was about- they’d never be able to convince him of the truth.

Finally, Miles tried again. “Gumshoe… I assure you, I have absolutely no desire to harm Wright, in any fashion. I make a point to ensure that he explicitly consents to anything we do. If he doesn’t give some sort of positive that leaves no room for question, I don’t do it.”

“Then why did you handcuff him?” Gumshoe asked blankly.

Miles glanced at Phoenix and Maya in irritation as the girl burst out laughing again, irritation that turned to alarm as Phoenix immediately turned to the girl, clearly threatening to hit her. “Don’t you dare!” Miles exclaimed, “not even jokingly! Not right now!”

Subdued, Phoenix lowered his loose fist and relaxed his hands, sulking. Maya giggled, whispered something about knowing what to get Nick for his birthday, and Miles commented mildly, “I can’t stop him from assaulting you once I leave, you know.” Maya stuck her tongue out at Miles and he rolled his eyes at her, shaking his head. “How do you know I handcuffed him?” Miles demanded, back on topic.

“He admitted it,” Gumshoe replied blankly. “I saw the bruises on his wrists and-“

Miles cut him off by crossing the distance between him and Phoenix, and grabbed one of Phoenix’s hands. Gumshoe fidgeted uncomfortably at the action, and at how absolutely gentle Miles was when he pulled the other man’s sleeve up slightly, exposing the ugly black and blue marks. He gave an exasperated gasp and dropped Phoenix’s hand. “It’ll go away in a few hours, you said,” he snipped sarcastically.

“Hey, that’s not fair! I’ve never done-“

“Which is why I told you to stop leaning back on them!” Miles snapped. “We’re not doing that again!”

“But Edgeworth-“

“Oh, stop whining, Wright. It’s bad enough that you want me to hurt you, I’m not going to engage in activities that damage you too.”

“But I-“

“Hey!” Gumshoe exclaimed. “What’s the big deal, talking about this out in the open in front of Maya? Isn’t this a little private?”

“We all know just about everything about what we were doing last night anyway!” Miles replied, exasperated. “Why not just discuss it out in the open!”

Awkward silence descended again as Miles leaned against Phoenix, shaking his head. As Phoenix started rubbing the prosecutor’s back soothingly and Maya was still snickering to herself, the detective started to get the impression that maybe Phoenix wasn’t just acting and claiming that he’d consented to it. “But I don’t get it, pal,” he said plaintively. “Pain doesn’t feel good. Why would anyone want to be in pain?”

At this, Maya intervened. Her remark about speaking stupid entered Phoenix’s mind, but he wasn’t fast enough to object. “Detective,” she said sweetly, “is there anything that Maggey does for you that other people might find a little weird?”

Gumshoe’s face flushed a bright red. “Well, yeah. But what does that have to do with-“

“And anything that others might not find appealing?”

The detective fell silent, staring at her thoughtfully. And then the light bulb went on. “Oooooh! I get it, I think.”

Miles and Phoenix sighed in relief in unison, and Maya nodded firmly. “Right. Now, if Maggey ever told you not to do those things, or that she didn’t want you to, you’d stop, right?”

“Yeah, of course!”

“Now take that and think about what Nick’s been telling you, over and over, all day.”

Awkward silence. Hopeful silence. _Does he really get it this time?_ Phoenix questioned silently, holding his breath. Finally, Gumshoe’s face fell. “You… really wanted to be in that position, pal?”

Phoenix nodded. “I really wanted to be in that position.”

Another moment of silence, and then Gumshoe asked, “Are you gonna cut my pay again for this, Mr. Edgeworth?”

The silver-haired prosecutor regarded him severely. “I should, although for reasons entirely different than what you believe. If you earnestly believed I assaulted Wright, how dare you encourage him to not report it?”

“But you didn’t, sir! So it all ended well anyway!”

“Indeed,” Miles replied. “Which is why, in this case, I will not censure your actions. Next time, however, you may be looking for another job. Telling a potential victim to take no action against their attackers is unacceptable, Detective.”

“Y-yes sir…”

The silence was finally less awkward. “Well!” Maya chirped happily. “Now that we’re all on the same page about Nick and Mr. Edgeworth’s kinks-“ and she ignored Miles’ order for Phoenix to hit her this time- “how about we all go out for ice cream!”

“That would be quite nice, I think,” Miles answered. “Who else is in?”

Phoenix eagerly responded affirmative, and Gumshoe, still feeling like an idiot, nodded his agreement. The group started towards the door, when the detective stopped short. “Wait a minute, pal,” he said slowly.

Three other bodies stopped, none of them wanting to hear what Gumshoe just realized. Unfortunately, Miles felt obligated to ask. “Yes, detective?”

“… How old are you, Maya, fifteen? Sixteen?”

“Er…” She turned to face him, not knowing where this was going and not sure she wanted to know. “I’m almost twenty. Why?”

“That’s still awfully young to know about stuff like that,” Gumshoe said dubiously.

Maya’s face flushed; Miles and Phoenix looked at each other, both realizing now where this was going. “Oh _no_ ,” Phoenix breathed, even as Maya responded, “I- I’m not sure I get you. This is all pretty common knowledge-“

“And if an experienced guy like me didn’t get what happened, what business does a kid have knowing about this stuff?”

“I am not a kid!”

Phoenix attempted to drag Miles to the door before they had time to listen to more of the conversation. When Gumshoe was interrogating someone, he was single-minded and although the man he was about to turn his ire on was inching towards freedom, he didn’t realize it. Miles, unfortunately, didn’t quite understand where Gumshoe was going with his diatribe and held his ground, listening in morbid curiosity. Maya and the detective went back and forth a few more times about exactly how much experience a girl her age should have. “I don’t have any experience!” Maya sputtered. “I just know about this stuff! I’m a regular on the Steel Samurai Kink Meme, for goodness sakes!”

The defense attorney didn’t know which reaction he wanted to pay more attention to- the fact that his assistant just all but admitted to using his computer for porn, and possibly to create porn, or the fact that his boyfriend muttered, “Oh _crap_ , I hope she’s not the Steel Samurai-Evil Magistrate authornon…”- when Gumshoe exclaimed, “He’s twisting your mind, isn’t he?!”

“Wh-whaaaat?!”

“You said it yourself! You are a regular on a kink something or other! Wright lets you use his computer for pornography!”

“He does not! I’m not even supposed to-“

“Oh, so he makes you do it?! Mr. Wright, you’re disgusting!”

As Phoenix let out a sob of frustration and buried his face in Miles’ shoulder, Maya waved her hands frantically. ”No, Detective Gumshoe, you have it all wrong! Nick has nothing to do with-“

“What twenty-seven year old lets his teenage assistant use his computer for kinky porn but for twenty-seven year olds who are exploiting-“

“ _Nick is gay!_ ”

“Miles,” Phoenix said quietly as the argument raged on.

“Yes?” The prosecutor was oddly fascinated with the exchange, wondering if Phoenix had gone through a similar desperation when Gumshoe assumed the worst of him.

“You love me, right?”

“An argument could be made to that effect, yes.”

“Take me away from this horrible place.”

Miles sighed. “Where are we going?” he asked. Maya and Gumshoe were thoroughly embroiled in their argument; they wouldn’t notice the pair leaving.

Phoenix sniffled. “I want ice cream,” he pouted. “Take me to Dairy Queen.”

“D-Dairy- Wright, are you serious?”

” _Take me to Dairy Queen, Miles_.”

“Alright! Alright, let’s go!” Miles grabbed Phoenix by the wrist, smirking slightly at the yelp his rough treatment of the already-injured body part garnered, and the pair headed out to Dairy Queen, leaving Maya to try to argue her way out of this.


End file.
